How to Get and Keep a Good Man

by Terrell Prude', Jr.
August 18, 2007

Last Updated Feb 27, 2020

Table of contents:
  1. Introduction
    1. My assumptions about you
    2. Why should you trust me?
    3. Just what kind of man are you looking for?
    4. So, what defines a "good man?"
    5. Does that include the "playboy"?
    6. Just what do Good Men want?
  2. How To Get Him
    1. Good Example #1 
    2. Good Example #2
    3. Bad Example #1
    4. Bad Example #2
    5. So what should you do? 
    6. And what should you not do?
    7. "Hold on!  How come I have to do all this work?  Isn't that his job?"
  3. After You Get Him
    1. The "F" word is actually a very noble thing!
    2. What about love?  Just what is it?
    3. So how do you know when love is happening?
  4. Does the Golden Rule Apply to Him, Too?
    1. Insist on the Golden Rule at the very beginning, but do it right
    2. And for those in an existing relationship?
  5. Final Thoughts


Getting and women....

Entire libraries could, and probably are, filled with information on the subject.  I know that bookstores are!  There are plenty of books with women telling the men what they "need to do" in order to get a woman's attention.  There are also plenty of books--some by women, some by men--instructing women on how to get men to pursue them.

I believe that's at best an incomplete, and at worst, wrong, approach.  I refer to the over 50% divorce rate in this country as anecdotal evidence.  We should not have such an insane statistic in The Greatest Nation on Earth.

What's the incompleteness, the "missing piece?"  I've discovered that it's this:  what has not been properly addressed is what a woman "needs to do" to get and keep a man who's actually a good one.  That's the point of this essay--to address just that.  Interestingly, this is also how a man can tell when a woman is actually a "good one" as well!

My assumptions about you

I must, out of necessity, make some assumptions about you.  For the purposes of this article, I assume that you are a heterosexual, single woman who doesn't have a partner and would like one.  Furthermore, I assume that you would like one who would add to your life.  In short, you want a good man to have, hold, and share life with.

I also assume that you have been poisoned to some degree by at least some of the crap that's out there posing as useful information.  I'm referring to "ragazines" like Cosmopolitan, books like The Rules, daytime talk shows, so-called "dating coaches" including some of their online articles, and other similar sources of flaptrap.  Ladies, take it from a man:  those "sources" are most often dead wrong.

Why should you trust me?

You shouldn't.  You've likely never met me.  Rather, read the information and see if it makes sense to you.  Then, as the Oracle in "The Matrix" trilogy put it so eloquently:  make up your own damn mind whether to accept what I'm about to tell you, or not.

I will tell you why I cared enough to bother writing this article for you to read, when I could easily be doing something else.  I'm in the information technology business.  For several years, I worked in a school system (local government).  Before then, I worked in the private sector for nearly my entire career.  I see this ridiculous, stupid War Between the Sexes, and I'm tired of it!  I'm definitely tired of watching it get perpetuated onto the younger generation yet still in school.  I see it in high schools.  I see it in junior high (middle) schools.  I see it at work, both corporate and "guvvie".  It definitely is not helping our society.

I believe that the aforementioned "missing piece" is a major factor in this perpetuated--and utterly stupid--war.  Ladies, you shouldn't be alone in your apartment, dorm room, or house if you don't want to be.  You don't have to be.  You can be in a long-term, rewarding relationship with a good man.

If you're interested in making that happen, I am going to tell you how.

Just what kind of man are you looking for?

Ladies, it is very important for you to be honest with yourselves about what kind of man you're looking for.  There are plenty of types out there, and just like there are female jerks, there are also male jerks.  Some of you honestly are attracted to the "dangerous bad boy" type because you like the excitement and that "danger".  If so, then that's a perfectly valid choice, but this article won't be of assistance to you.  Nor will this article be of assistance to you if you prefer someone that beats you up.  While they're far from the majority, that type, too, does unfortunately exist. 

This also includes the so-called "alpha male" mentality.  We are humans, not chimpanzees.  The "alpha male" types are more interested in dominating others than anything else.  I've met several of those types over the years.  This is the type that has to show everyone how tough he thinks he is (and very well may be!) and wants those notches on his belt. You know, the "tough guy" and "pick-up artist" types.  Some of you really are attracted to that, and that's OK, but that's not the type of man I'm referring to.  Not even close.

I'm talking about something different here.  When I refer to a "good man," I don't mean a jerk.  Rather, I mean that kind of man that would be "good husband material."  I mean someone who would treat you like a master violinist would treat a Stradivarius violin--with honor, respect, and maybe at times even a bit of awe.

So, what defines a "good man?"

That depends on your personal definition.  As a man myself, I would say that a "good man" is one who acts basically in accordance with the Boy Scout Law.  For those, like me, who have been Boy Scouts, you know what I mean.  For those who haven't, the Scout Law is as follows:

A Scout is
The meaning of most of these terms is obvious.  However, the words "Obedient" and "Reverent" deserve some special attention.  Remember that the Scout Law was written for boys--who are yet on their way to becoming adult men--to follow, and that the Boy Scouts of America traditionally was a Protestant Christian organization.  However, with some tweaks, those two words still apply today.

I take "obedient" to mean "obedient to what you know is the right thing to do."  We all know the right thing to do.  It's the decision to do it or not that makes the difference.  Martin Luther King, Jr. was "obedient" in the sense that he knew that Jim Crow was wrong, and his civil disobedience was therefore the most "obedient" thing he could've done.  Mahatma Gandhi, who of course came before MLK Jr. and greatly inspired the latter, was the same way.  Both men got arrested--willingly--for doing the right thing, and in so doing, they ended up changing the world.

As for "reverent", I take that to mean "reverent towards those who are doing something to improve our society."  Examples of deserving recipients would be (again) Martin Luther King, Jr. or Mahatma Gandhi.  World War I and II veterans certainly qualify.  To me, Richard M. Stallman, a stalwart fighter for civil freedoms in the digital arena, numbers among those deserving reverence.  Most elders, as they know far more than I do, qualify.  Reverence is not worship.  Rather, reverence here means profound respect.

These--the qualities of a Boy Scout--are the qualities that define a "good man."  When I refer to "men" from this point forward, this is the kind of man that I mean--a Good Man--the kind you'd likely want as a husband.

Does that include the "playboy"?

Naturally, there will be those who wonder if a "playboy" could ever be considered a Good Man.

Surprise!  The answer is yes.  As with "playgirls", it depends on the individual.  You'd be amazed at the number of playboys who do follow the Scout Law.  I understand your amazement.  Followers of the Scout Law don't generally make "sex scandal" headlines and thus aren't reported on as often as they should be.

Just as with any other kind of person, there are honest, real playboys (and playgirls), and there are also lying jerks.  You've heard about the lying jerk enough times on television, from your friends, and/or on the radio, and you've read about it in magazines and Internet articles.  Jerks are easy to spot; they don't follow the Scout Law.  By contrast, the honest playboy is just that.  If you ask him if he's a playboy, he will answer yes.  Hugh Hefner is perhaps the canonical example.  The honest playboy will tell you if he's "playing the field" and simply looking for a good time at this point in his life.  Then, should you choose romance with this man, you know the situation up front because he's told you.  If that's not your thing, then I'd suggest becoming friends with this person.  It's quite beneficial to have a male friend to discuss man/woman issues with, especially when he's already demonstrated honesty with you.  He'll often pick up things that you'll miss.  There was a man in his 80's, a family friend whom I'd known since I was seven years old and left us in the year 2011, who fit this description.

But what about "husband material?"  I've met quite a few honest playboys that, when they meet the right one, become among the most loyal people you'll ever meet.  The key is, "when they meet the right one."  Larry Flynt is an example of this type.  Despite the content of his famous magazine, and his own self-description as a "scumbag", every account of him I've ever read or seen indicates that his relationship with his wife was most loyal, and that he loved her deeply.

Just what do Good Men want?

Oh, the volumes of silliness that have been written on this subject!  The vast majority of these are either flat-out wrong or severely distorting the truth.  I've seen beauties such as the following:
This is hogwash.

All of these falsehoods assume that men are just animalistic creatures that merely see a stimulus and, like a flatworm, react in some repeatable, predictable instinctive way.  Rest assured that such is not the case for men any more than it is for women!  Men are actually generally quite smart, observant beings who perceive a lot more than they let you know that they do.  I have frequently had this effect on women; at times I'll point something out, and they'll be startled and amazed that not only did I see just about everything that they saw, but I even saw some other things that they completely missed!  Sometimes the opposite is true as well.  I expect that; I know that women are intelligent.  What amazes most women that I've encountered is their discovery that I'm pretty smart, too.

Being smart individuals, we most often have a pretty good idea of what we want.  Since so many of you think that we're focused primary on the physical aspects, let's get that out of the way now.  Yes, good looks are part of that, no question.  That doesn't necessarily mean blonde hair, blue eyes, large breasts, or Caucasian; get that out of your mind.  Rather, it means keeping yourself in good physical condition and making the most of what you have--without plastic surgery.  If you're overweight, get on a workout program, start eating right, and drop those pounds!  If you're anorexic, start eating--NOW.  We like healthy-looking women.

But what we want--above anything else--is this:

Someone who practices the Golden Rule.

Yep, it's that simple.  I've not met a heterosexual Good Man who doesn't want a "Good Woman," i. e. a woman who practices the Golden Rule.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this Rule, I'm not referring to the one that says, "he who has the Gold makes the Rules."  I mean nothing of the sort.  Rather, the Golden Rule--the real Golden Rule--is present in most religions of the world.  Jesus Christ, a pillar of Christianity, put it the following way:

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Yes, ladies, that is the secret.  If you do this, any man--and remember what kind I'm talking about here, the Good Man--will, at the barest minimum, respect you.  He may eventually come to like you.  At best, he'll want to be with you until death parts the two of you.  It is truly a rare occasion that such a man will choose not to let himself be "seduced" by someone who practices the Golden Rule in every facet of her life.  By contrast, he will eventually leave the woman who does not do so.  I'd walk right off from Helen of Troy or even the legendary Cleopatra--with either of them stark-naked--if I didn't like her attitude.

The Golden Rule is the basis for everything else that will follow here.  It is the keystone to getting and keeping a good man.  You won't be able to make that happen without it.  Your cute body might get him to look at you...but without that Golden Rule, you won't have him for long if he's a real man.  Remember, Good Men--real men--follow the Scout Law.  It won't take him long to figure out whether you do, too...or not.

Two women, several years ago, wrote a book called The Rules.  It was a book that supposedly described how to get a man to fall in love with you.  They had several "rules" for women to follow.  Unfortunately, all of these "rules" took an adversarial position against the man.  Basically, you were to treat him as if he just doesn't matter to you.  You were to play mind games with him.  The book certainly did not advocate the use of the most important Rule--the Golden Rule.  Well, one of those authors is now divorced, so you be your own judge.  However, I can tell you what one perceptive woman--my mother--thought of that book when I described it to her.  Upon reading some of these "rules" to her, she said, "what, is it a joke?  That sure won't work!"  She's a relationship counselor and has helped many people get together and stay together.  She and my stepfather (an eminent practicing psychiatrist and Stanford University professor) have been happily married for over 35 years.  They are best friends.  Why?  She follows, and promotes the use of, the Golden Rule.

The only "rule" that actually does work is the Golden least with good men.  Do you really want any other type?

How To Get Him

Now that we know the Big Secret--the Golden Rule, or the "do unto others" rule--how do you practice it?  Believe it or not, that's actually the easy part.  Just do exactly like it says!  Treat him just like you'd want to be treated yourself.

That one statement, by itself, could end this article.

However, I know that what you've probably read before in other places directly contradicts the advice I'm giving you here.  Maybe you're wondering, is Cosmopolitan right, are my girlfriends in school/at the office right, or is this guy whose article I'm reading right?  Which one is it?

Remember, Cosmopolitan exists to sell magazines.  They're looking for paying customers.  They want to hype you up with titles like "Sex Tips that will Blow His Mind!" right below or just above "How to Tell if He's Really Interested" and "Is He a Date Rapist--The Signs You Need to Know!"  so that you'll grab the magazine right out of its rack in the store and take it home.  The "girls in the office/at school" are very likely reading the same tripe.

By contrast, I'm not selling a damned thing.  And I don't really care if you think I'm right.  I do care, though, that you want to Get and Keep a Good Man.  Remember, that's the point of what you're reading here.  To do that, you'll need to un-learn some of the crap that you've probably been taught.  So, we're going to get to some specifics here, with the goal of doing just that.

Step One, of course, is to actually get the man.  You can't very well keep him before you get him, obviously!  Therefore, you've got to somehow get his attention in a way that he'll remember.  You've got to use the Golden Rule on him.

Some examples might give you the idea.

Good Example #1 

Some years ago, I met a woman who was several years my senior and didn't have Halle Berry's physique.  She went to go work out with me, she and I hung out at times to have lunch, that sort of thing.  We were starting to become friends.  She was getting to know me and--unbeknownst to me--deciding whether I was the kind of man that she wanted--a follower of the Scout Law.  She discovered that I was indeed, and she became quite interested in me romantically.  She tried playing the coy game, i. e. trying to do stuff that would get me to pursue her.  It emphatically didn't work.  This surprised her greatly, as she thought that she was throwing herself at me!  I had no idea.  It's not like I thought, "oh, she's interested in me, I'll play hard to get."  Nope, nothing of the sort.  Rather, it never--not even once--even crossed my mind that she would ever have any sort of romantic interest in me.  It simply never occurred to me.  Therefore, there was no way I could try playing "hard to get" even if I were the type that would play that stupid game.

Ladies, the game of playing hard to get went out a long time ago.  It doesn't work like it used to.

Finally, one day, we're in my truck heading back from some store, I forget which.  I'm bringing her back to her car, which is in a parking lot.  Once in the parking lot, she abruptly tells me to pull the truck over in a rather odd tone.  I ask her if she's OK, and she says, "just pull over!"  I do so, and she tells me that she has a confession to make.  After a few breaths, she, in a solemn tone that I'll never forget, says to me:

"I've been interested in you since November...."

The day was Saturday, March 17, 2000.  It was raining.  It was around 7:30pm.  She said a little more, describing her interest, sure as the Sun rises that I was going to turn her down.  In fact, the opposite happened; it actually got me turned on--sexually!  Yes, sexually!  What happened was that she did exactly what she would've expected a man to do in a similar situation--what she wanted me to do and was hoping that I would do.  She followed the Golden Rule, and I perceived that.  That's what got me turned on by her.  Over the years, she became my best friend, in both word and in deed.

Ladies, the Golden Rule is an aphrodesiac for men.  Use it.  It works.

She and I got married on May 19, 2019.  She is my best friend.  I now have the honor of also calling her, "wife".

Good Example #2

One day when I was in college, I was going through the coursebook checking out math classes (I was a Chemistry major).  A female student, one year my senior and an Army Reservist as I found out later, struck up a conversation with me, asking what kinds of classes I was looking for, how much more time before I finished the major, etc.  We talked for several minutes, going off on life in general, and then she had to take off.  I enjoyed the conversation and told her so, as it seemed like she had as well.  So, we exchanged phone numbers, with the idea that we'd continue it at some point.

I thought, "OK, that was fun, she seemed reasonably cool, but being a woman, she'll never follow up," so I forgot about it.

To my surprise, three days later, she called me, and we talked for maybe a couple of minutes.  Wondering what in the hell would possess a woman to actually take some initiative, after a few minutes, I rather pointedly asked her, what, specifically, motivated her to pick up the phone and call me.  After a short pause, she answered, "well...I was...pretty impressed with the person that I met."  She also pointed out that if she were to want a man to call her, she needed to "be consistent" and be willing to do it, too, " I did."

Yep, it worked.  Our first date followed in a week.  It wouldn't have taken that long if I hadn't been so loaded down with organic chemistry homework.  Had she understood herself, and life, a bit better, we might still be together today.

Now, here are a couple of examples of what not to do.

Bad Example #1

One evening, a friend of mine and I went into a bar.  We both saw this rather attractive-looking woman in a short brown dress sitting at the bar with a drink.  The dress was roughly standard mini-skirt length, and the sleeves went down past her elbows.  She had shoulder-length auburn/brown hair, and I'd guess that she was about five-foot-five or so.  Both of us are quite tall; he's over six-one, and I'm six-four.  We both happen to like petite women, be they short or tall.  She looked good.

My friend went up to her and said hello.  She ignored him.  He waited a few seconds, and then he said hello to her again.  Not only did she ignore him, but this time, she slightly turned away from him.  I got a good enough look at her from the front to see her face.  I remember seeing a bit of--if anything--a scowl come across it.  Naturally, my friend took this as not being interested in talking with him.  He thus walked away, and we found a table and got some food.

Funny how the world really is a small place.  A couple of months later, I was with some folks at another function, and lo and behold, that same woman was there!  Turns out that she, my friend, and I knew some of the same people.  Eventually the conversation turned to the "difficulties of the dating scene," and she reminded me of that episode in the bar.  She was still frustrated--and a bit upset--at my friend for not continuing to pursue her, because she thought he was cute!  I about fell down in surprise.  Her reason for acting the way she did?  "I was just playing a little hard-to-get."  She went on about how "males need to satisfy that 'hunter instinct', you know."

Her failure to exercise the Golden Rule--i. e. treat my friend as she herself would want to be treated--resulted in her loss.  My friend, a handsome man of class (and former playboy, by the way), was off dating someone else by this point.  He's been happily married for several years now to someone who did follow the Golden Rule, and they have two children.

Bad Example #2

A buddy for whom I was doing some consulting work told me about this one.  He's happily married with a now-grown son.  A little background about this guy: a few years before he met his wife, he was dating a tall blue-eyed blonde who had a swimsuit model's body.  His pals kept telling him, "wow man, you're sure lucky!  I wish I were you!"  Would you believe that he broke up with her?  The reason:  she didn't follow the Golden Rule.  She liked to try playing mind games because she thought her attractive body would let her get away with it.  She found out otherwise and lost a really good man in the process.  He later met another woman, not model-like but quite attractive (I'd met her--she's a little hottie).  They married a few years later, and their son arrived soon after that.

Well, this man told me about a young, very pretty, college girl who, by all "conventional wisdom," should've easily been able to charm this guy at her school on whom she had a very large crush.  She was totally smitten with him.  She always made sure to sit next to him in whatever classes they had together.  She had asked my buddy, who was in his late thirties at the time, what to do to get this college guy's attention, for he had apparently not even noticed her.  My buddy's answer was, "well, why don't you say hello to him and start up a conversation?"  She rather embarrassedly said, "Oh, no, I couldn't do that...!"  He then asked her, " won't even say hello to him?"  She looked down and again said "no, no, I could never do that."

He then told her, "well, that's one guy you won't be dating, then."  And he proved to be right.

Now, in both of these examples, what do you think would've happened if the woman had followed the Golden Rule?  I can tell you for certain in the first case, because I know the man involved, and I was present for the encounter.  He would've appreciated it, admired it, and probably would've been dating her shortly thereafter.  In the second case, if this college girl really was as pretty as was described to me, I wasn't there, but I suspect that she would easily have charmed the socks off of the object of her crush.

So what should you do? 

How do you actually go about Getting a Good Man?  That's right, enough theory; how do you actually do it?  Just as importantly, what don't you do?

Here are some things that I've seen work on others, and that have worked on me:
  1. Go up to him and start a conversation.  Anything except feminism--which is like toxic waste to Good Men--is fair game.  Yes, even the weather, if that'll get you started.
  2. Ask him for help with something--math homework, chemistry homework, reaching something in a high place--whatever.  You can then start a conversation with him.
  3. Invite him out for coffee or lunch.  Yes, be willing to pick up the tab.  We men have a very sensitive "gold-digger" radar, for historical reasons.  If he's a Good Man, he'll make a conscious effort not to break your bank, so don't worry about that.
  4. Ask him out on an official date.  He totally will not be expecting this from a woman.  That always impresses a Good Man.  Again, be willing to pick up the tab.  Yes, that small token does matter.
  5. Flowers work.  Yes, on guys.  But with us, a single bloom will do very well, and if you hand-picked it fresh, that's even better than store-bought.  A Dixie cup makes a fine vase in a man's eyes; it shows practicality.  Present this bloom to him face-to-face, look him straight in the eye, and tell him--as succinctly and direct-to-the-point as possible--why you did it.  Give him a quick kiss on the cheek if you're close enough to his height to do it easily; if not, then take his hand and give it a quick squeeze, then let go.  This is a guaranteed attention-getter.  It is also a powerful aphrodesiac.
  6. What about the online dating scene?  I'm talking now about sites like "", "", and so on.  What should you do there?  Simple, it's the same thing as when you're not online.  If there's a man who looks interesting to you, then do what you'd want him to do for you; go ahead and make contact with him.  And I don't mean just clicking the "I'm interested" button or the "wink" button; any wimp can do that, and most do.  You want him to notice you and respect you?  Send him a real message, something showing that you actually read up on him.  Ask him about an interest of his.  Invite him out for coffee, as above; remember, coffee's low-pressure. 
These are all the sorts of things that you would want him to do for you, right?  Well, then apply the Golden Rule and treat him like you would want to be treated.  Do those things for him.  And do them with no expectation that he'll do them back.  If he's a Good Man--the kind I assume here that you want--then don't worry about that; he'll eventually do it.  He'll have to; the Scout Law, which he follows, since he's a Good Man, compels him to.  And when I say that, I don't mean "oh, he's just doing it to be polite."  No, no, far from that!  I'm referring to something much more profound here. 

What you are doing when you apply the Golden Rule to him like this is commanding his respect.  No real man can resist that; it's our currency, just like money is currency to a financier.  If he respects you, then liking you becomes very easy for him to do; just keep applying that Golden Rule on him.  And if he likes you, based on his respect for you...well, you can take it from there.

And what should you not do?

One thing that you should emphatically not do is start talking to him about anything smacking of feminism or any other anti-man subject.  Don't do it.  Good Men hear enough of that at work, in the news, at school, sometimes even at home from our sisters or mothers.  Good Men will drop you like burning metal if you do this and will do whatever they can to--preferably tactfully--get away from you.  If you persist, then they may well drop tact altogether and become quite direct.  Either way, they will get themselves away from you.

Here's an example of this, from my own life.  Several years ago at a previous job, there was a woman in another department that I found rather attractive...right up until she went off on some feminist diatribe about the executive "glass ceiling."  What prompted her to do this, I do not know, since I was there to help her with a computer problem and hadn't myself broached any employment issues of any sort.  It came totally out of left field.  She was surprised when I actually protested, and with her boss (also female) standing right there.  I made quite clear that I found her behaviour unprofessional and unacceptable.

The charge of "sexism" against any man, even implied or merely by association, has near-deadly force in today's workplace, and I was the first man she'd ever met who had the guts to protest.  I doubt that she would've leveled that angry tone at another woman.  Most men will just keep quiet, to protect their jobs.  Later that day, she did come up to me and apologize, but the damage was done.  While I of course forgave the incident, I always maintained a good distance from her and her boss from that point on.

Think about it.  Would you want some man coming up to you going off on some diatribe about "women gold diggers?" Somehow, I think that would turn you off.  It shouldn't surprise you to learn that we're no different that way.

"Hold on!  How come I have to do all this work?  Isn't that his job?"

BINGO!  That's why we have so many single women going home to empty domiciles every night...because He's Got to Do That Hard Work, not you.  That is the man's job, after all!

BEEEEEP!  Wrong answer.

Keep up that attitude, and you have a very high chance of remaining alone.  If that's indeed what you want, continue along with that way of thinking, and, sooner or later, you are very likely to get your wish.  Of course, you should then ask yourself why you spent all this time reading this article to this point.  You could've done a lot of other things with that time other than read words with which you might not agree from some guy whom you've never met.  Why'd you read them?  Really, ask yourself that, right now, and be honest with yourself when you answer.  I don't care if you're honest to me; given the size of this planet, it's unlikely we'll ever meet.  But at least be honest to you.  Put this article down for a bit if you need to if it'll help you do that.

Taking such a hostile attitude is definitely not applying the Golden Rule.  Not even close!  Remember, whatever you do, ask yourself if that's what you would want him to do to or for you.

I know why so many of you are so reluctant to go after him directly.  Nearly every discussion aimed at women for how to get men comes from the perspective of somehow getting him to come after you.  In other words, playing mind games on him.  The reason?  Let's cut to the chase:

It's so that you, the woman, don't risk rejection.

Nobody likes rejection.  Guess what?  Neither do men!  That's why fewer are asking women out.  Oh, sure, there are still some who do it, but the frequency's going down with the changing gender roles.  I've heard many, many women complain about this: "guys just aren't asking girls out as much anymore!"  There's even an old saying somewhat related to this, which goes, "boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."  Too many folks forget the other half:  "but do girls who wear glasses make passes at boys?"

What none of those other discussions address is how the man feels when he gets rejected by you.  Very few of these "experts" seem to want to bother with that part.  But you should.

Remember that part before about your application of the Golden Rule "commanding his respect?"  That's why it works.  Even if he does say no, he very likely has already experienced rejection from the opposite sex and knows how good it doesn't feel.  Therefore, if he's going to say no, he's likely to do whatever he can to do it as tactfully and gently as he possibly can.  Who knows--he might already be in a relationship, he might have just gotten out of a bad relationship, he might be gay, he might be so deep into the schoolbooks that he barely has time to even hit the restroom (science/engineering majors are famous for this)...or you might simply not be his type.  That last one is the scary one, because it's personal.  But remember also that you ladies have historically had little trouble telling a man that he's just not your type, and the Good Man knows that history very well.  You expect him to face that risk; therefore, you must be equally willing yourself.  And through being willing to take that risk, you gain his respect.

A friend of mine (who, by the way, does wear glasses) once told me about something her mother taught her:  "if you don't ask, you don't get."  What my friend eventually discovered is that not only does this apply to dating, it doesn't apply to just men.  It also applies to women.  If you don't ask him, you may well not get him.  Yes, that means you, ladies, need to stick your necks out, too.  You would want him to do so for you, right?  Then apply that Golden Rule and confront him directly...just like you'd want him to do for you.  That's what this is all about!

So, now you have some ideas of how to get him, and how not to get him.  Just "do unto others."  That's all you've got to do.  Any time you're about to do something, consider whether or not you would want it done to--or for--you.

After You Get Him

OK, you've gotten him.  You're going out on dates, getting to know each other, and having a pretty good time.  You at times wonder...he's pretty good...but will he "be tempted?"  After all, aren't guys that way?  They see a cute girl with a hot body and want to take a ride, right?  Aren't they the ones who read girlie magazines, both paper and on the Internet?  Aren't they the ones who are the cheaters? 

"Gosh, I've heard so much from so many do I really know that he'll be loyal to me?"

This is quite possibly the biggest misunderstanding about men throughout history.  Rather few women--throughout the world, it seems--have figured out the Big Secret to getting your Good Man to not only remain with you, but to continue to honor you, respect you, and ultimately love you very deeply, over time.  I'm not talking about finding a way to "trap him."  You know what I mean--things like pregnancy, costly divorce, child support, "getting half," all the stuff that we all have heard about all our lives.  No, I don't mean that.  If you take that approach, that's an adversarial attitude that will ultimately doom your relationship to failure.  It may be quick, it might take a while, but your relationship, I guarantee you, will fail.

I have a much better way.

There's an old saying that goes, "if you love something, you must let it go."  Yep, it's true of your mate as well.  I would never dream of trying to somehow "trap" the woman in my life.  If she no longer wants to be a part of my life, then she shouldn't be.  She should be free to leave at any point that she wishes.  Of course, I will do what I can, within the bounds of honor, to give her good reason to remain in my life if I want her to remain with me.  How do I do that?  By adding to her life.  I find ways to make her life better; I give her positive reinforcement.  I apply the Golden Rule.  Sometimes that means we might go to the beach and play in the sand and ocean.  Sometimes that means I might take her out to a nice dinner.  Sometimes it means I need to tell her what she needs to hear instead of what she wants to hear.  But most importantly of all, it means that I am her friend--first and foremost--for only with a basis in a solid friendship can a romance be expected to last.

You have friends, right?  You wouldn't dream of betraying them in any way, right?  Of course not!  Friends don't do that, and if someone does that to you, then that person is by definition not your friend.

Hmm..."by definition not your friend...."  Let's explore, then, the definition of the word "friend."

The "F" word is actually a very noble thing!

Ladies, and especially those of you from the United States, I have discovered a major perversion in your minds of what the word "friend" means.  That word is used as your polite way of saying either you don't have a romantic interest in a man, or--at least, in your minds--for him to say that he doesn't have a romantic interest in you.  "Let's just be friends," too many people say.  It sounds so innocuous...a way to bow out gracefully and say, "no, thanks, goodbye" with a (hopefully) lessened risk of appearing rude.  And gentlemen, those of you who use that word in this context, you're not getting off scot-free on this, either.  Ohhhh, no.  I know why you do it; usually, girls used it on you in school or elsewhere.  That's still no excuse; cut it out!

News flash:  that's not what the word "friend" means.  Rather, it means something very old and very noble.

I have a copy of Merriam-Webster's Third New International Dictionary in front of me.  There are seven definitions in this dictionary for the word "friend".  The one that applies to our discussion is the first one, which reads as follows:

friend \'frend\ n:  one that seeks the society or welfare of another whom he holds in affection, respect, or esteem or whose companionship and personality are pleasurable: an intimate associate.

Now, that seems sort of dry, I admit.  Fortunately, I've had the benefit of traveling and living internationally to see the practice of that definition.  Several of the cultures that I've encountered in my travels, unlike that in the United States, are thousands of years old.  What I've invariably seen is that friends--real friends--are practically like family.  You do for your friend like you'd do for a blood family member.  Sometimes, your friend is more "family" than a blood family member.  I am fortunate to have a few of those.  My Dad has repeatedly told me that, if you have one of those in your life, count yourself lucky.  He's right.

Friendship is a particularly profound expression of trust.  In this sense, it can actually be said that friendship is trust, on a deep level.  Trust comes only when one person shows another that he or she is worthy of that trust.  How could you ever trust someone who wouldn't treat you like he or she would also want to be treated?  I definitely couldn't!

Your "friend" is the one that you'd trust with your house keys, your car keys, your children's lives--that's a friend.  Your friend is the one who will drive from, say, Washington DC to the middle of West Virginia to come get you--in the middle of the night, if necessary--after you've had a nasty car accident on a gravel mountain road...and do it with no hestitation whatsoever.  That friend's first concern will be, "are you OK?" and not, "geez, I'm tired, why do I have to do this?"  You know deep down in you that you can count on this person.

Your friend is the one who will give you an organ transplant if you need it.  My Dad, a master jazz and classical pianist, was friends with Gene Harris, another master pianist.  Mr. Harris, whom I've met, was a very cool dude and possibly one of the bluesiest jazz pianists in modern history.  Unfortunately, his kidneys began to fail him.  My Dad was prepared to donate one of his own kidneys to Mr. Harris so that the latter might live, but the blood types were too far off.  Sadly, Mr. Harris left us in 1999.  But had the blood types been close enough, Mr. Harris might well be alive today, because he'd be carrying a piece of my Dad in him.  That is a friend.

I use that word very sparingly, and when I do, I use it in that context.  There are very few people in this world whom I call "friend".

Without the kind of trust inherent in friendship, you cannot have love, the requirement for lasting romance.  And love--another word that gets bandied about far too often and far too loosely--also has a very specific, serious meaning.  Let's talk about that.

What about love?  Just what is it?

Ah, love...isn't that what all of us want--to be loved, and to love in return?  Why is it so hard to find?  As Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack so aptly said in the 1972 hit: "where is the love?"

To answer those questions, we must discuss what love is.

Let's start with what love is not.  Love is not infatuation, it's not a crush, it's not lust, desire, or "just a word" to be misused.  So, if it's not these things, then, just what is it?  Let's again consult Merriam-Webster.

love (n) 1a: the attraction, desire, or affection felt for a person who arouses delight or admiration or elicits tenderness, sympathetic interest, or benevolence: devoted affection.  2a: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.

It has several other definitions, of course, some of which pertain to sexual desire, others that pertain to being enchanted with or liking something a lot (e. g. "I love chocolate"), and even one referring to a tennis score.  With the exception of the one pertaining to tennis, it means a feeling of attraction so strong to someone or something that it is very difficult--impossible for some people--to get rid of or overcome that feeling.

Since three years old, I've thought about the word "love", and even at that age, I'd figured out that it was a pretty serious question.  Just what does love really mean?  And what does that meaning imply for people who claim to love each other?

It was at least in my early twenties--maybe sooner--that I figured out what love means to me, and it has not changed since:  Love is the willingness to give your life so that the one that you claim that you love might live.  Anything less than that is not love.  It might be lust, it might be like, it could be friendship, and it could even be any combination of those things in varying quantities, none of which are bad things--but it's not love.  If I say to someone, "I love you," then I will have just told that person that I am willing to die if I have to, in order to preserve that other person's life.  There's no getting better than that.  As you might imagine, I use that word even more sparingly than I do the word "friend".

Many parents know what I'm talking about.  If it came to the choice of their lives or those of their children, they would gladly give their own lives if it meant saving their kids.  We're wired that way--preserve our young at any cost.

If that's what love is, and I believe that it is, then it literally is a matter of life and death.  Don't you want to feel that for a Good Man and have him feel that for you as well?  Don't you want someone who would hack his way through a forest of huge, waist-thick vines full of thorns and face that dragon so that the two of you might live happily ever after?  That's what Prince Phillip did for Sleeping Beauty.  Pretty though Princess Aurora was, he nonetheless felt a lot more than mere desire for her; he loved her.  He put his life on the line to save her.

To get someone to be willing to make that kind of commitment to you requires nothing short of the constant application of the Golden Rule.  That's because love, by its very nature, is the ultimate--the most deadly serious--expression of friendship, which we've already discussed above.  If you want love, that's the price.  While love is given freely, it emphatically does not come "for free."  It must be worked for, earned every day--and it must be maintained--or it shrivels up and dies of starvation and neglect.  I've watched love die like that.  It's actually painful to watch.  You don't want that fate.  The Golden Rule is your most powerful ally against that fate...and a most powerful ally it is.

Your cute little body might get him to notice you.  But it's your friendship with him, based on the Golden Rule, that will get him to love you.  Read the definition of the word again.  When you've done that, read it one more time.  The one who loves you is by definition your best friend.

You may slip occasionally.  You might not always apply the Golden Rule 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  We're human; nobody is perfect.  You might be under a whole lot of stress, or you might be in major pain, or very tired, or any other thing could be happening to you.  That's when you've got to work the hardest to apply it, and you should do that work.  But sure, you might slip.  It happens.

Nearly all of the world's religions speak of the inability of humans to achieve perfection.  The Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Baha'i), for example, say that "only God is perfect."  You're going to stumble.  It's part of life.  What the religions of the world also say, right along with that, is that you should nonetheless strive for that perfection.  You should actively work toward that goal.  That's how we get a better society.

The same is true of applying the Golden Rule.  That Good Man that's now in your life knows this.  He will not "hate you" or any other such silliness for the occasional slip, as long as he sees that you're actively working toward the constant application of the Rule throughout your relationship.  He will love you for it.  And if you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize.  You don't need to gush.  All you've got to do is make things right and work on doing better next time.  Like with anything else, you get better at applying the Golden Rule through practice, so you might as well start it from the beginning.  How about right now, from this moment on in your life?

So how do you know when love is happening?

If you're not the best of friends, you don't have love.  That friendship has to be there first.  I'm certainly not going to give my life for someone who's any less than my best friend.  Would you?  Remember that love is the ultimate expression of friendship.  You can't have a better friend than the one who loves you.

Now, what's the chain of events for a Good Man to come to love you?  Of course, that varies, depending on the individual man.  A few men have had idyllic lives, and others less so.  The vast majority of us fall into the latter category, and thus, probably like you, we too have learned a healthy amount of caution.

Infatuation can happen quickly, especially if he finds you physically attractive.  It's much like how teenage girls find the members of "boy bands" attractive, like the Beatles, the Monkees, n'Sync, and others.  I've actually been to an n'Sync concert.  Girls go to these concerts and scream in total infatuation, secretly hoping that some day, a boy like that might be interested in them.  In a similar fashion, a woman who looks good is going to get looked at.  Like many young boys, I too had a crush on Cheryl Tiegs in my boyhood years.  I actually met her for just an instant at the Kennedy Center (I doubt she remembers it).  She was truly stunning, and her pictures--even the famous "see-through fishnet" one--didn't do her justice.  The same was true of Catherine Bach, of Dukes of Hazzard fame (who says Mexican-American women aren't hot?  Puh-leeze!).  Young boys who watch the "Dukes" re-runs today have the same infatuation for her now that I did then.

But that's infatuation--a crush.  There's nothing wrong with that, and under the right conditions, it can eventually lead to love.  And that's what this entire article is all about: getting to the point of love.  Why?  Because that's how you keep the Good Man!  You love each other.

Love is happening when both of you know that each of you can count on the other for anything.  And I mean anything.  You tell each other your deepest, darkest secrets--the kind of stuff that girls used to write in their diaries.  If, just as one example, you have some really kinky sexual fantasy that you want to explore with him (e. g. you want to be tied up, spanked like a little girl, and tickle tortured until you go insane, followed by God knows what), and you feel comfortable telling him that and asking him for that, then that's a good indicator.  It takes a lot of trust to reveal something like that and even more to go through with it.  Likewise, if he tells you some deep, dark secret of his--say, he's always wanted to tie you up, spank you, tickle you, etc., but was always afraid that you'd freak out and call the cops if he told you that, then that's a good indicator that he has that kind of trust for you as well. 

Here's another one.  Say you're really upset with him, for whatever reason.  There's the impulse to either stay quiet, for fear of getting ridiculed or laughed at, and there's also the impulse to rush right up to him and tear right into him.  Instead, you remember that, as your best friend, he by definition has your best interests at heart.  So, you go up to him, inform him that there's something that's really bothering you, and carry on a rational discussion about it with him.  Why?  Because you trust him to help you deal with this.  If he loves you, he will do whatever he can within the bounds of honor for the two of you to get past this.  If he was in the wrong, he'll apologize and work not to do that again.  If you made an incorrect assumption, then you will apologize to him and remember not to make such assumptions again.  Either way, as long as the two of you continue to follow the Golden Rule and the Scout Law, the end result is the same.

There are many other examples, of course.  The bottom line is that you two trust each other implicitly and totally...with anything.

Does the Golden Rule Apply to Him, Too?

You might naturally be wondering, wait a minute, doesn't the rule about applying the Golden Rule apply to him, too?  After all, I've done a lot of talking about the need for you to do it.  While it's been for a reason, the question is still valid.  Here's the answer:

You bet it does!  Absolutely!  No question about it.

What's good for the goose is indeed good for the gander.  If he's not applying the Golden Rule, then he's no longer following the Scout Law.  The reason for this is that the Scout Law is simply one manifestation of the Golden Rule; the former comes from the latter.  It means that there's an issue that needs to be dealt with.  Don't waste time on this!  The sooner you tackle it, the better.  Don't give this man that you like the chance to begin the slippery slope into a less honorable state.  Neither of you deserve that.

Insist on the Golden Rule at the very beginning, but do it right

Let's suppose you just started dating, and you're still working on discovering if he's a Good Man, i. e. a follower of the Scout Law.  Let's say that you asked him out, and you took him to lunch or dinner or whatever.  Let's further say that he hasn't called you afterward.  There are several reasons why any man might not do that:
  1. He thinks it might be just a fluke, ships passing in the night, you didn't really want anything more.
  2. He might not actually like you all that well.
  3. He's totally blown away by you and is scared to death.
  4. He has a huge crush on you and is himself afraid of getting rejected.
  5. He's been falsely accused of sexual harassment or even rape before and is now gun-shy.
  6. He went through a particularly nasty divorce and came out much worse for the wear, and thus now very cautious.
  7. He's just tired of bearing the burden of "the man's supposed to do the heavy lifting."
  8. He thinks it might've been just a couple of colleagues getting together "over lunch".
If you like him, and you're wondering why he's not calling you, it'd be a good idea to find out why.  Don't get upset with him, though; have you always called the man back to thank him after he's taken you out on a date?  You'd likely figure that he'd just call you and ask you out on another date if he were interested in you, right?  Well, he deserves the same consideration that you would want.  Remember, "do unto others."  Would you expect him to get upset with you because you didn't call him?

There is a solution.  If I were you, my next move wouldn't be asking him out for lunch or dinner again just yet...but I would ask him out for coffee at the local Starbucks or whatever.  Meeting for coffee doesn't carry the same weight as a "lunch date" and definitely not like a "dinner date"; meeting at the local coffee shop is pretty innocuous.  Then you can ask him, in a polite, considerate, but nonetheless straight-forward manner, if there's a reason that he didn't call you (there is, of course), and if so, what that reason might be.  This way, you're not coming at him with an accusatory posture, which would immediately cause him to shut you out.  Rather, you're simply asking a question.  That's much more likely to get an honest response.

If he indicates that he just doesn't see you as his type, then at least you know.  You're now ready to move on to the next man.  Even if that's the case, though, you've now got nothing to lose, so you might as well pump him for some information.  After all, you two have got coffee sitting there!  Ask him if there was something that you could have done differently that might've improved the situation, and actually listen to his answer.  If the answer is no, you did things fine, then you're simply not what that particular man is looking for.  It happens.  In that case, thank him for the date, enjoy finishing your coffee, wish him well, and then move on.  You still might become friends later, for all you know; that actually has happened several times.

By contrast, if he does indicate an interest in you, but he has a concern, then there's hope.  It's time to remind him that you need him to apply the Golden Rule to you, too.  Yes, ladies, that is fair game, and if you do it right, you will rise in his esteem.  How do you do it right?  You speak to him rationally.  Do not get snitty with him, and certainly don't bark or yell at him!  This is not a time to chastize anybody; he is not your son.  Keep a cool head, and remember that your goal is to address his concerns and indicate that you need for him to reciprocate the Golden Rule.  Stay rational!  Nobody respects a lunatic.

Let's deal with the aforementioned reasons of why he might not have jumped right up to call you after your date.  We'll take them one by one.

Reason #1:  He thinks it might be just a fluke, ships passing in the night, you didn't really want anything more.  You'd be surprised how often this happens.  Ever been to a social function in which folks are doing the minute-and-a-half-long "hi, how ya doing, what do you do, where are you from" conversation?  He might view it as merely an extension of that without any further expectations, and that does happen a lot.  This is an easy one to deal with.  Just tell him that you do indeed find him interesting, and that you'd like to get to know him better.  If you find him attractive, then tell him yeah, you do think he's attractive.  Don't gush!  One short sentence that's to the point is much more effective than a paragraph.  You can even smile and ask him, "can you fault my taste?"  He'll appreciate that.  Keep talking, and you'll probably have your next date set up in pretty short order.

Reason #2:  He might not actually like you all that well.  This one's the tougher one, because it's personal.  We've already dealt with it in a previous paragraph.  Remember, at least you'll know.

Reason #3:  He's totally blown away by you and is scared to death.  Maybe he's not sure he can keep up with you.  Maybe you're one of those quick-witted ones who always has something clever on the tip of your tongue.  It's OK, just slow it down a bit.  Many computer and electronics geeks fall into this category.  First off, a girl has actually asked one of their number out on a date.  Right away, that's an unusual and historic event, in their minds.  Second, in many cases, they're so focused on discovering all the neat things that they can do with electronics and computers that they might not have a bunch of witty sayings on the tips of their own tongues (yet).  The guy may feel awkward around the opposite sex. 

This, too, is very easy to fix.  Time for you to take some leadership here.  By that, I mean you've got to let that man know that you do like him and that you do find him interesting.  You've got to reassure him that you like him for who he is, but without gushing.  Appeal to his logic; this is completely irresistible for this kind of man.  Gently, but logically and rationally, inform him that you'd really like it if he'd ask you on a date in return and take you out. There's no way he can refute something so obviously logical!  Then, take his hand and kiss it.  Give him your phone number with your name written on it.  Draw a heart on front of him.  Then, give him a day to think about it.  He'll be eating out of your hand, and you will get that next date!

Reason #4:  He has a huge crush on you and is himself afraid of getting rejected.  You already know how that feels.  You just stuck your neck out and asked him out on a date, remember?  Since you know how that feels, you know how tender feelings can be.  Here's the fix:  ask him out again, and make it directly clear--with no room for ambiguity--that you like him.  But include a catch.  State up front that you're going to include a catch.  Then, in a kind, but serious, tone of voice, state the catch itself:  "this is a package deal; I'll stick my neck out again to show you that I really do like you, but I need you to do likewise for me, too.  After all, fair is fair."  Again, irrefutable logic.  He cannot say no.  And, since he has a huge crush on you, he doesn't want to say no anyway!  Just remember to invite me to your wedding.

Reason #5:  He's been falsely accused of sexual harassment or even rape before and is gun-shy.  This one's going to take some doing to overcome.  Sadly, there are those women out there who will file a false sexual harassment charge or--even worse--a false rape charge against a man.  You already know that the consequences to a man so charged constitute Big, Hairy Trouble.  Consider the Duke University Lacrosse Team defendants of 2006-2007.  Three young men were falsely accused of rape, and their names were dragged through the mud.  They were eventually exonerated, and the prosecutor ultimately got disbarred for his actions, but it cost those three families over a million US dollars of legal fees.  Imagine how they must feel after such an experience.  There are many similar examples.

How do you handle that?  Well, it's a tough one, I'll admit.  You may well need to do all of the initiating for a while.  Don't worry so much about romance at first.  You've got to show him that you intend to become his friend...and then actually do it.  Be his friend in fact.  Your behaviour must be beyond reproach; if he thinks that you're at all sympathetic to false accusers, even a little bit, then it's all over.  He himself probably views actual sexual harassment or rape incidents like a mouse views a herd of cats, i. e. totally unacceptable!  Give actual perpetrators to Bubba.  Matter of fact, most men do take this position.  But he also likely views false accusers as equal fodder for Bubba.  So, become his friend and be one in deed.  This resistance can be overcome.  And don't be concerned about others "stealing" him from you.  They'll have to get through his resistance starting from Ground Zero.  By becoming his friend, you're already way ahead of them.  And when he does at last trust you, that's when you make the move for romance.

Reason #6:  He went through a particularly nasty divorce and came out much worse for the wear, and thus now very cautious.  Oh, the stories throughout the years about divorce in the United States!  Men throughout the country could tell you hair-raising stories about it.  You've heard them--"I demand the house, the car, the kids, child support, alimony, half or more of whatever he has," and so on.  He might get to see his own children once every two weeks.  He might be financially ruined by that divorce.  Don't assume he was at fault, either; you don't know that.

You handle this one the same way that you handle a man who's been affected by Reason #5.  With time, coupled with behaviour beyond reproach, you become his friend.  You'll discover on your own what kind of a man he is and whether or not he follows the Scout Law.  You'd be surprised at the number of divorced men who do and have; it's just not reported on in the media.

Reason #7:  He's just tired of bearing the burden of "the man's supposed to do the heavy lifting."  This is one that I myself can relate to, and I've heard a bunch of my male associates express it, too, so it's not something that you can just dismiss...if you want him.  If the man indicates this to you, then he really is tired.  It is a burden.  The way to deal with this is to acknowledge it.  Don't act like you don't know that it exists, and don't try that "REAL men always go after the woman!" nonsense, either; virtually every real man sees right through that.  What he's really saying is that he wants to see some fairness.  Employ the same strategy as in Reason #4, i. e. use logic on him.  Show him that you're willing to shoulder your fair share of the "dating burden", too, through deed.  If you do that, he's much more likely to view you as an "honorable woman" and will gladly respond in kind.  If he doesn't after a few dates, then gently, but firmly, insist to him that he do so, just like in Reason #4.  Fair is fair.

Reason #8:  He thinks it might've been just a couple of colleagues getting together "over lunch".  This most commonly happens with people in either the same or similar professions, or those who work together in the same company.  With the specter of conflict-of-interest or sexual-harassment allegations always right around the corner, many men will indeed dismiss a possible romance if they perceive any hint of business involved.  This is according to the old axiom, "never mix business with pleasure."  If this man is someone that you work with, he may decide no way, in which case, don't push it.  Let him go.  Aren't you glad now that you're at the coffee shop instead of a fancy dinner?

On the other hand, if the two of you are merely in the same profession and don't actually work together, then he might simply think that you wanted to get to know another colleague in the profession.  This happens all the time; it's called professional social networking.  Since, in this case, your intentions are something more, you've got to communicate that to him.  A man affected by Reason #8 will not generally assume that you have a more personal interest in him.  Batting your eyes at him, playing with your hair, etc. isn't going to do it here.  You've got to tell him.  Follow it up with, perhaps, that hand-picked flower that I mentioned before.  Make it clear to him what your intentions are; do not leave room for ambiguity here.

And for those in an existing relationship?

Let's now say that you're in some sort of relationship.  You're either becoming friends or maybe have even reached the stage of love.  Sooner or later, like with all other couples, you're going to have a disagreement.  In that case, you might be tempted to lash out at him, because you just know for sure that he's doing something bad on purpose.  Hold off before you do that.  Remember, this is a Good Man we're talking about here.  If he's been following the Scout Law to this point, then he's likely to continue.  You've got to remember that, like you, he's not perfect, either.  He's going to occasionally slip, too.

If you just know for sure that he's doing something bad on purpose, and you believe that you love each other, then stop and check your assumptions right then and there.  The man who loves you naturally has your best interests in mind.  Therefore, it follows that he's very unlikely to be doing something bad on purpose.  Even if you haven't yet hit the stage of love, but have become friends, he still has your best interests at heart.  Remember what a friend is.

Talk to him.  Find out what's going on.  Maybe he's under a bunch of stress.  Maybe he hasn't eaten (I've been guilty of that).  Maybe he's feeling really down about something.  Since you are at a minimum becoming friends, you might already know what's bothering him.  Remind him that you're there for him.  After he's settled down, and he will, then gently remind him that you need some Golden Rule affection, too, if you bore the brunt of his negative feelings.  Since, as a Good Man, he generally does follow the Scout Law, he will likely feel so badly about any slight toward you by him that he will not just apologize, but he will make the most strenuous efforts to monitor himself better in the future.  That's his way of making things right.  You may even get a dinner date out of it as a thank-you for your understanding.

Final Thoughts

There's a lot of information in here, but it's based on one very simple premise:  the Golden Rule.  Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself.  What you've read here is in conflict with a lot of stuff out there.  I know, because I've read it, too.  The practice of the Golden Rule and the Scout Law is in short supply in the United States in recent times.  I know, because I see that, too.

There was a show on Home Box Office called "Sex and the City."  It was a show about four white female friends in New York City, who hung out together, talked about their relationships, cried on each others' shoulders--everything that tight girlfriends do.  So many women have said, "I can relate to that!" when they would see whatever situation that one or more of the women on the show were in.  I've watched several episodes of the show.  Every one of them had "man problems," not necessarily because the men themselves were problematic, but because the women weren't honest with them!  They tried to play the coy, somewhat-hard-to-get game.  The character who got the most sex was a rather promiscuous blonde, played by the actress Kim Cattrall, and the character got it because she made very clear that lots of sex was what she wanted at that point in time.  The other three were considerably harder-up, and all four of them went through all sorts of emotional drama and roller-coaster action.  Nearly all of it was unnecessary...if they'd just followed the Golden Rule.

I believe that the show was so successful because, though itself fictional, it correctly related not only how American women often relate to each other, but also how they relate to men.  That's why so many women watched it; they were watching themselves!  The show, due to Hollywood's lust for happy endings, did end up pairing off each of the four female characters.  But that's a Hollywood ending.  As too many of you know, it's not real life.

You can, though, have real love from a real Good Man.  The price is the application of the Golden Rule.  You yourself must follow the Scout Law, regardless if it was originally written for the Boy Scouts.  Good rules to live by are good rules to live by, no matter what your sex is.

And now, you have a choice to make.  You might talk with your friends.  Perhaps you'll talk with your parents or other relatives.  Maybe even some of your closer male associates.  But in the end, like the Oracle said, make up your own damn mind.

Good luck.

Copyright (C) 2007, 2015, 2020 Terrell Prude', Jr.
Verbatim copying and distribution of this entire article is permitted in any medium without royalty provided this notice is preserved.

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